I am somebody.

I love my church.  I can't seem to make it there every week for one reason or another, but every time I go there I feel at home, at peace, welcomed and loved.  I love that I've finally found my place of community, a place where I fit in.  At first I didn't feel like I was an important member there, everyone already seemed to know each other, and in a largely older aged congregation I felt like I had nothing in common with anyone else (aside from believing in the values and ideas of Unitarian Universalism).  But I was wrong.  I do belong there, I am important.  People there know who I am, they know my kids, they ask how I'm doing and genuinely want to know the answer.  They want to include me in church events, they miss me when I'm not there on Sunday.  The older ladies always want to love on Calliope (and she loves to make their day with a toothless grin!), and there are other families who we sit near almost every week.  I am so glad that I chose to join this church!
Today the song at the end of service hit me particularly hard, it actually made me cry as I sang it.  I have been feeling depressed and alone lately, partially situational and partially hormonal/postpartum I'm sure, but either way, it sucks.  And there are very few places where it feels safe to reach out and say that.  But today, it was like they read my mind, they read my soul, and they knew what I needed to hear.  That I am more than my depressed thoughts, that I am important, that I am somebody.  I feel so uplifted this afternoon!
Here's the lyrics to the hymn, you can also youtube it and watch different choirs sing it, but I didn't find one that was nearly as good as the way our church did it today, so I'd rather just leave you with the lyrics instead :)

There’s a River Flowing in My Soul
There’s a river flowing in my soul (in my soul)
There’s a river flowing in my soul (in my soul)
And it’s telling me that I’m somebody
There’s a river flowing in my soul
There’s a river flowing in my heart (in my heart)
There’s a river flowing in my heart (in my heart)
And it’s telling me that I’m somebody
There’s a river flowing in my heart
There’s a river flowing in my mind (in my mind)
There’s a river flowing in my mind (in my mind)
And it’s telling me that I’m somebody
There’s a river flowing in my mind
There’s a river flowing in my soul (in my soul)
There’s a river flowing in my soul (in my soul)
And it’s telling me that I’m somebody
There’s a river flowing in my soul

seashells by the seashore.

Meant to blog this yesterday, but apparently I'm turning into a blogging slacker already ;)
On Tuesday we usually go to the Farmer's Market and August's dance class, but our good friends also had the day off, it was a million degrees, and we all wanted to escape our little town.  So we did.  We headed out to Monterrey to visit the aquarium and the ocean beach.  The aquarium is pretty expensive so we've never taken the kids, and I haven't been since I was a little girl myself, so we were all pretty excited to finally go!

(actually, Callie was just excited to get out of the car after 2 hours!)

But first, we had to stop for pictures at the Bubba Gump Shrimp place, even though the kids have no idea who Forrest Gump is....

 Inside the aquarium we saw and learned about all sorts of sea creatures:

Jelly Fish....

Sea Dragons....

Leopard Sharks....

Libby showed Callie some Rays...

and Daddy showed Callie what life looks like "under the sea".

we got to touch hermit crabs...

and Libby's favorite, the Sea Star.

We also learned that 2 year olds don't really grasp the concept of "giant ocean below"....

We saw how waves happen...

and learned about the real home of Nemo (the coral reef!).

Cadence bonded with some penguins...

and August talked the ear off of one of the aquarium workers at the touch pool

We stopped to play in the whale and dolphin learning area

And last but not least, saw Mommy's favorite, the ADORABLE otters! <3

After a full day at the aquarium we stopped for some pizza and Fro-Yo.  Because all their nut containing items were in a separate area, I felt ok giving Libby some too.  She was VERY excited to get a treat!!

Libby's fruity treat!

I couldn't decide between pumpkin spice and Pom-Raspberry, so I tried to do them both in one cup

The girlies and their yogurt!

By the time we left it was nearly dark but it would be an injustice to drive all the way to the ocean and not put your toes in the sand, so we made a late night pit stop at the beach!  It was cold and foggy, but it still brought me that sense of peace that I always feel when I'm watching the waves crashing onto the sand.  In fact, it almost felt more magical, with the moon right there, pulling the ocean's tide.  I <3 the sea.

August + Cadence still had fun digging in the sand, despite the fog and darkness!

A post for National Coming Out Day.

I am bisexual. 
Unless you are a close friend, or knew me in high school, you probably don't know that about me.  If you stumbled upon this blog, or my facebook page, or you saw me at church, or in the store, or on the street, or at a Prop 8 protest,  you would probably assume that I'm straight.  I have a husband and 3 kids, I think that pretty much qualifies you for the straight category... 
I don't think that's really fair though.  All of my significant relationships before my husband were with women or people who identified as transgendered.  In fact, I have just about zero experience in dating men aside from the last wonderful 5 years with my husband.  Why does the fact that my life partner is a man get to negate my entire past?  Yes, we are monogamous, and yes, I hope my marriage lasts my lifetime (or else why would I be married?).  But that does NOT make me "ex-gay" or "used to be gay".  There is no such thing as "used to be".  I was born gay and will continue to be until the day I die (not even counting whatever afterlife looks like ;) ).  I am proud of that.  I am the same person who wore a button on my backpack 10 years ago that read "LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER".  I still feel exactly the same way about love.  I love my husband with all of my heart, and gender is not a qualifying factor in that.  If ever anything happened that caused our relationship to end, I would have just as much chance of finding a relationship with another woman as I would a man.  Actually, more of a chance, my husband is sort of my life-long exception to the rule ;)
If you're friends with me on facebook you probably think I'm an awesome "straight ally".  I'm always posting things about gay marriage or other gay rights.  And in a lot of ways, I AM just an ally.  I fully acknowledge that I now have "straight privilege".  In fact, a lot of times it's really weird for me to not be discriminated against because I spent so long dealing with it in my teen years, I still expect it.  It is a constant reminder to me of what my gay brothers and sisters go through on a daily basis.  It hurts my heart that JUST because my partner is male I am able to be legally married, that he has rights to our children, that we can walk into just about anywhere and be accepted as a family, and that if my partner were female, that if any one of my past relationships had lasted, that none of that would be true.  Parts of my family had pretty much disowned me when I came out and then had a significant relationship with another girl.  It definitely hurts my heart that they are suddenly buddy-buddy with me now that I'm "acceptably" married to a man.  FYI, I don't forget people who treat me like dirt.
But, forgive me if you disagree, I don't think it's fair that I'm, effectively, kicked out of the queer community.  I get it, that a lot of what the community has in common is the struggle, and that I'm no longer really a part of that.  That I now live life as a straight girl and can't relate.  But I HAVE lived through the struggle too.  I started my high school GSA, and got chased down the hallway by boys who followed behind me as I put up fliers; they crumpled them up, and threw them at me as they yelled slurs and threats of violence.  I was told by the school staff that maybe it was a sign that we shouldn't have the club.  I put up the fliers again the next day, and the next, and each time they got torn down.  I was harassed in the school bathrooms to the point where I no longer used them, and then I took that fear, joined the GSANetwork Youth Advisory Board, and helped create resources for training schools and teachers on creating safe schools for kids who don't fit in the gender binary, among other things.  I was one of the only people in my school to take a same sex partner to a dance (as my romantic date, not just friends going together, that is.), and, if I'm correct, the ONLY girl who ever wore a black robe for graduation (boys wear black, girls wear yellow), which I had to fight tooth and nail for, to the point that I had a legal team behind me.  I'm not telling you this to "toot my own horn" so to speak; I'm telling you because I don't want my past to be erased.  I am proud of my life, of my accomplishments, of my relationships, of overcoming hardships, and of the joy I have experienced.  I am proud to be a part of a beautiful and wonderful community, even if they aren't always thrilled to have me.  And I want my kids to know that I will be proud of whoever they grow up to be.  That when they find love, as long as that person loves them back and treats them right that I will be happy for them and accept that person into my family with open arms.  That if they ever "come out" to me, they can be 100% certain I will stand behind them in support because I have been there.
And that's why, today, on National Coming Out Day, I'm coming out.  Again.  And always, even if I'm sometimes invisible.  There's not just one color in a rainbow <3

late night crafting.

My friends came over again tonight for crafts, but we didn't start until 7ish so we didn't wrap up for the night until almost 10!  It was so much fun though, the kids really enjoyed painting on Mod Podge and sticking on the tissue paper!
We made little lanterns out of glass jars and tissue paper, Halloween themed, of course ;)

supplies ready to go!

I made pumpkin cookies to celebrate....

pumpkin cookie face!

mod podge attack :)

daddy helping Libby make a ghost

Auggie's monster & pumpkin

August and her lanterns

Auggie & mama's lanterns

vampire lantern....needs sparkles ;)

pretty flower lantern for the girls' room

pretty Halloween lights <3

And now I'm going to bed!!  Tired mama. zZzZzZzzzz.....

red leaf, yellow leaf.

Yesterday we were supposed to go apple picking, but things came up with both families we were going with, so it got postponed for another day (hopefully soon!).  Instead we decided to do some crafts with my friend Shawna and her family.
We decided to do some fall keepsake paintings, using the kids' arm/hand-prints as a tree trunk, and little dots of paint on their finger as the leaves.  They didn't quite understand how close together the leaves should be, but they still had a lot of fun and the trees still turned out super cute!

 

After making our fall trees, we read a story about the life of a sugar maple tree. titled Red Leaf, Yellow Leaf.

The kids were sort of itching to go play instead, but they still seemed to enjoy the book. 

We sent them out to try to find leaves in the yard after, but they weren't really interested, so we just let them play instead.

I tried to make pizza dough in the bread machine while they played, but I hit the button one too many times and ended up baking it (as a quick bread!)

note to self: check what number you pressed before you hit the start button!!

.....so we went out to dinner instead.  I was sort of upset with myself after, we're pretty short on money and with the place being super crowded and the food not being all that great it wasn't a very enjoyable use of our money.

Overall, though, it was a good day! It really inspired me to do more crafts with the girls, AND to hang up their artwork around the house.  I put our little handprint trees in our kitchen and it already feels more bright and cheery, and the girls are so proud to see them there.

 

bread machine love.

Move over Shane McCutcheon, I have a new love.  And it's name.....is bread machine.  
Ok, not really.  I don't love it more than Shane (because I'm in <3 with Shane!)....but I HAVE been baking up a storm with my bread machine, and seem to fall in love with it more each day!
I love that I can throw everything in, press a button, and forget about it until it's done.  I love that I don't have to run my whole oven, worry about getting the temp right to get it to rise, or dirty a bunch of bowls and my counter-top to make dough.  I love that I can have any type of fresh baked bread that I want without the risk of bakery contamination with nut containing products, or weird chemicals I can't pronounce (or can pronounce and KNOW are bad for me...corn syrup anyone?).  I still need to venture out away from the white flour a little, but for now I'm thrilled that my bread consists of REAL ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, yeast....not by products or preservatives.  AND it's cheap!  My frugal side is THRILLED that my breadsticks, rolls, pizza dough, and, of course, bread, are made with mere pennies worth of ingredients, and taste BETTER than their store bought counterpart!
This whole bread machine love is probably not so good for my waistline, but my ultimate comfort food is hot, fresh bread, so....it's the little things in life, right? ;)


This morning I actually used my bread machine for both breakfast AND lunch!  First, I made a pumpkin raisin quick bread (with the remainder of the pumpkin from the muffins), using a recipe from Betty Crocker.

I subbed raisins for the nuts (obviously....), and also took a suggestion from the comments to use brown sugar rather than white...it was almost a little TOO moist though, next time I'll just use white.

After that was done I turned around, washed the pan, and started dough for dinner rolls (lunch rolls?).

fluffy goodness <3

For a long time after getting my bread machine I was so intimidated by the dough cycle...."What do you mean I have to take it out and bake it?!"  But it really is so much easier than doing it all by hand!  It takes an hour and a half, but it does all of the kneading, mixing, and warm rising for you.  Depending on the recipe, all you do is take out the dough, put it on a baking sheet, cover it for a half hour or so, and then bake it.  SO simple!  And everything has turned out really yummy that I've made. 

hot roll with roasted root veggies and quinoa....yum!

a love of literature.....

 I always said I wanted my kids to love reading, so I just couldn't be too upset when I asked the girls to clean up the spare room and 20 minutes later came in to find them reading books to each other....

They did, eventually (with a bit of nagging), clean it up, for the record.  And, hey, I'd rather read than clean too!  :)